My Uniqueness Issue.
Recently there’s been a couple of things that have changed and are significantly different from what they use to be. I use to like the fact that I was different, I’d go out of my way to show it off and I enjoyed string people up over it. Like when I was in year 8 at MLC, I was just growing into me(or a Goth according to everyone else) and a lot of the girls where ‘scared’ by me for whatever reason. I found this to be rather comical, because while I can be sharp tongued when needed I’m not actually violent and I’m not very tall either, I used this fear to keep myself amused in very small ways. I’d paint my toe nails black a couple of days before swimming lessons in PE started and watch the stunned faces start whispering. One of my very best friends had told me that the only reason why the ‘cool’ girls at MLC picked on me was because “…you’re different and they admire the fact that you don’t follow everyone else. They’re jealous of that.” and it’s something to this day that I find to be very true. I’ve been told by many others that they think the fact that I can be myself is cool, other people just sit and scowl at me. However of the past 6-8 months I’ve been obsessed with the notion that I’m so vastly different from everyone else that I actually don’t fit in anywhere at all. I’m never really turely comfortable with people and I always feel that I’m out of place, some times to a large degree(like on the street in the CBD) and some times only to a small degree(like with my few friends). I’ve been within a couple of subcultures, most notably the Goth and Alt subculture(the ‘outsiders’ or ‘fringe dwellers) but I find that even in these places I’m the outsider of the outsiders. This feeling has become more and more pronounced the more that I becoming involved in the outside world, looking for a partner was a fairly rude slap in the face for me really. Being a more solitary person I wasn’t prepared for just how ‘together’ a more normal relationship is and I found myself repelled by this togetherness, you’d think a ‘friends with benefits’ type arrangement would be better suited to me…but this too isn’t right for me as I do become devoted to my partner, committed and monogamous but being in constant demand of this ‘togetherness’ was far too much for me. I’ve only ever met one other person who takes this approach to relationships and I miss him dearly, but commitment wasn’t his thing…ha ha I should have known he still acts like he’s a teen and no teenager(bar me) is ready for the type of commitment I seek. But I digress in my rambling, this uniqueness is also seen in my physical body. Within the past year and a half I’ve had surgery twice, one this year and one late last year. Each surgeon was somewhat worried about me and how I’d recover given that my muscles and mind have a habit of over reacting to stressful and painful situations. Yet each time I’ve recovered, faster and better then expected and then most people. I have a low immune system from the years of stress, countless medical issues and a proneness to bruising(always taking forever to heal again). I’m more or less falling apart, my body is having trouble digesting and I spent the better part of a year with it eat its self because I couldn’t keep anything down and yet some how I’ve healed stupendously quickly…and I’m still have issues with my digestion! You’d think this was a good thing, and it is, but it doesn’t make any type of sense at all, it’s weird and strange. I’ve started to wonder just how ‘human’ I am, in a lot of ways I don’t really fit the ‘human’ bill. The second and even more strange difference is this liberated, almost enjoyment, feeling of being single. In the past when I’ve been single I made a point not to stay that way for long because I would always become very lonely, isolated and even more depressed then normal. However of late I’ve really enjoyed the freedom that comes from not having to spend my time with someone, I’m able to randomly decide that I’ll meet a friend in the city or I’ll waste the whole day reading a book and not talking to anyone. This is a very new and somewhat unsettling experience for me and I know that my most recent dates have had a lot to do with it, both of them where very needy in my perception and one actually told me off for spending more time on my school work then on him! I didn’t realise just how perfect my relationship with my ex was until I experienced a more ‘normal’ relationship. Uncharted territory here I come!