Contradiction

I’ve come to realise that I’m more or less one of a kind, the more I learn about myself they more I start to see I’m so very different from everyone else I’ve ever had any kind of contact with. This is starting to leave me feeling very lonely, some times my interests cross with others but when they do there’s only ever a small cross over and most of the ‘normal’ traits of said interest I don’t share or I’m missing one seemingly vital part of this interest which leaves me outside of the group of people.

I know this sounds very strange but it’s common through out all my interests, a couple of examples off the top of my head would be my love for animals and their rights VS my complete lack of care regarding topics like genetically modified food and the very common view that everyone must become vegan(which I don’t agree with, I think it’s unrealistic and stupid to have such a goal). My general disdain for the human race VS my goal to be a psychologist and help people, I have a deep need to find intimacy VS the claustrophobia I get when I’m constantly wanted. Even my chronic illnesses and the amount of sicknesses that have chewed up my body and spat it back out VS the strange fact I’ve only ever once nearly died as a result…which yes I’m sure most people would think that that is a good thing but when you look at all that plagues my body and mind it makes absolutely no sense that my body more or less functions where many others have had far more trouble then I have.

I am in every way a contradiction, my mental health, my physical health, my lifestyle and my interests and this contradiction has left me as a stranger to everyone no matter what group I enter or who I associate with I’m always just sightly outside of the circle and yes, generally everyone fits into some kind of circle. I’m very sick there is a whole list of things that are wrong with me but after each of my surgeries I recovered much faster then what was expected and even then whats common, normally it takes me two weeks to recover from a scratch or a bruise yet surgery(key hole) I recovered in just over a week.  Yes while I was happy to recover quickly it still doesn’t make any sense at all as to how it could have happened so quickly given the way my body NORMALLY recovers from things. Even when I get ill in a normal way I get the not normal parts of it for example I get migraines which are very common BUT I get the rare form of migraines known as Visticular Migraines which surprisingly(not!) are not well understood. Again on the normal illnesses where I get abnormal symptoms, I get hallucinations but I get the uncommon visual hallucinations and tactile/touch hallucinations(most common hallucination reported is auditory ie hearing things that are not there). I however see things that are not there as well as feeling things that are not there and it’s more common for people to report visual hallucinations then the feeling things that are not there.

I end up feeling very lonely because no matter who I try to talk to they just don’t full understand where I’m coming from or why I’m interested in the things that I am or the common aspects of said circle which I don’t have any interest in. This is a very common part of my life and of my struggle for company I find that even when I do have a friend/friends I find that there is some kind of distance between us a missing piece that I just can’t connect to. I often feel like I’m missing some major part of everything, something else that everyone is in on that everyone else understands but when I get close to this part it slips out of my reach and I’m left feeling like I’m missing something. As an example of this I feel a little bit like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory when he’s presented with a social requirement that he just can’t quite understand the purpose of said requirement.

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About Mandy

I live with an assortment of illnesses and one illness causes me chronic pain so I live with my dad. I'm lucky that Dad looks after me, even though I'm an adult, which allows me to actually live a life. I love animals. I have two dogs, five adopted guinea pigs, and two small tropical fish tanks. I listen and sing (badly) to mainly rock music. I really enjoy reading and often read an assortment of different genres but I do have a special interest in true crime. I was studying psychology with the intention of specialising in Forensic Psychology and when I'm able to I will return to university.

Posted on 18/12/2012, in Philosophy, Uncategorized and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. mmm…
    I have lived through those in my own way, what I have learn from it is:
    -contradictions: I found them very fun, as long as its the real me I enjoy it, Im not made of plastic, I think is fine.
    I get several like you do, one of them is the need for intimacy (which I find normal) vs the why are you doing this get away from me. hehe, I always get a laugh.
    I dont believe are contradictions after all once you look at the heart.

    -about being different… it was very difficult for me to reach this point, I stopped the feeling of “I should do better, with better people”, it may have been useful at earlier life, but at this stage of the game I rather just realize that its just 2 people walking on a big rock, if theyre nice to me I do the same, its just for a little while anyway, setting the proper rules and limits of course.
    “I dont care if its a goat out there” means you do what you do and then live rest of your life.

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