I’m open about the abuse I’ve been through and for many people this is both surprising (not many abuse victims are so open) and confronting but most don’t expect that it was my mother who was the abusive one. I am, of course, more aware of the sexism within the image of an abuser because I’m directly affected by it but it really does seem to be an obvious way for female abusers to more or less hide in plain sight. I’m lucky in the respect that my mother dislikes me and so when my dad and I left the issue of custody never came up but if it had I would have been very worried about the outcome. My only salvation would have been the fact that I do have countless psychologist sessions devoted to the damaged caused by my mothers abuse, which would make up plenty of evidence as to why she shouldn’t have ever become a parent. Had I not gotten the chance to see someone about this it would be almost impossible to prove that she was abusive and it would be made all the more harder by the fact that she’s a woman. My dad would have no hope of convincing a court that she had the whole house in fear all the time…it’s just not plausible to many people after all she was ‘only’ a woman.
I remember before my dad decided to leave my mother I was looking for a place to live by myself, I was aware that to stay in that environment with her would eventually result in a successful suicide attempt. However all the agencies that I spoke to about finding housing for a 16 year old didn’t actually believe that my abuser was my mother and coupled with the fact that I was subjected mostly to psychological abuse they said I couldn’t prove that I needed the help. I was more or less turned away because it’s harder for people to believe that a female could be abusive. I was only months away from being homeless and even with the attempts I’d made on my own life none of the people who where suppose to help actually helped me.
I worry about the people who have been in similar situations to me but didn’t have an amazing dad to save them from being more or less scared out of their own ‘home’ and I worry about the men who are being abuse by women and who are unable to find help because the notion of a female abuser is so foreign. For men I imagine that the sense of shame that comes from being abused would be compounded by societys view that men should be able to protect themselves, of course a man 5 feet tall can protect himself from a woman who’s 6 foot 2 inches (rolls eyes). This sort of narrow and thoughtless view needs to be exposed for what it is, an easy way to hide abusers and we’ve got to stop it. I can’t understand why it’s so easy for people to turn a blind eye to this, especially since psychological abuse can do as much if not more damage then physical abuse and it is true that women are far more likely to be psychologically abusive then men.
A wide verity of women rant on and on about how they want to be seen the same way that men are seen but it’s simply not true. Women want to be on the same paid grade as men, they want to occupy the same jobs that men do and all the other good things (of course there’s nothing wrong with wanting these things) but they’re more then happy to be treated differently when it comes to the bad side of things. No woman wants to fight for her right to be seen as a potential rapist (yes woman can force men or other women), murderer, sociopath or abuser. Clearly no decent person whats to be thought of like that BUT as a whole gender you can’t complain that you’re not treated equally when you only want the benefits of said equality. So I guess I’m the extremely unpopular person who calls for the realisation that women can be just as cruel as men and if you want equality you’ve got to accept that.
I accept and understand that there are people out there who are the complete opposite of me but are still good people. These people do things differently to me, they look at relationships differently and they have different views to me…some times I wont understand these views or the way that they do things/how they see things. Which for me is okay, I don’t have a problem with things like this I’m not gay but do I think that gay people should be allowed to get married and have kids? Hell yeah! Where is this going? you might be asking, well there is one kind of person who is different to me that I really do have a problem with and that is people who use fear in order to get people to believe what they believe, feel what they feel and do things the way they do them. Recently I came up against someone who is using these fear tactics in order to fight a just cause: abuse withing the causal relationship community. Now with all the abuse I’ve suffered in my life I’m all for fighting abuse, but I wont fight abuse and those who cover up abuse by scaring everyone into avoiding something because it could lead to abuse. I’ve also seen the good that the casual relationship community can do for people, which this person left out of their argument to shut down/stay away from the community, and this is the exception to the rule of abuse. I’m not saying that the abuser gets something ‘good’ out of it so they’re okay, I’m saying that some people ethically and openly say to someone “I’m looking for something causal, do you want to participate?” and the other open person saying “Sure thing.” shouldn’t be scared away from casual relationships on the chance that they will be abused. Warn people that these kind of interaction can be very damaging, and warn them it can lead to abuse but don’t hide from them that there’s also times where it’s okay to do something casual. Ensure they’re going to be ethical and that they’re aware of what could happen but don’t scare them into not trying at all. I am the person who speaks up for the exception to the rule, not the person who speaks for the rule. This concept will come up a lot in my posts, but I want to make it very clear that just because I’m speaking for an exception doesn’t mean I agree with a rule or that I’m encouraging the exception. I’m giving everyone their right to be the person that they want to be, to be different from me and to be able to do that no matter what I believe about said rule or exception. I wont stand for behavior that limits this equality and right, and I will say something.