Oh how psychology loves to wave this idea around and society for that matter but I’ve never really brought that and my approach to happiness is much different, one that isn’t well liked in the psychology scene. I’ve tried all the positivity approaches before, I’ve said the affirmations, posted the “you’re beautiful” signs all over the house and yet every single time I saw then I just felt worse. One of the most destructive events in my life happened even though I’d gone to said event with a positive out look…one that I stupidly believed. In the end I gave up on the fake positive crap, I stopped telling myself that it all gets better at some point and if I just make it though tonight I’ll be okay. I’ve said all along that my life wont get any better, that it will only get worse no matter what I do and even though I had that belief I still tried and every time I still fell on my ass. I’ve had some of the worst experiences people will ever have in their lives and I’m only just 19, wanna know what it’s like to be raped my someone you love? Or maybe you’d like to know what it’s like to have your mother abuse you for 16 years of your life? How about I tell you about what it’s like to have more or less no memory because your whole life is repressed? These things don’t even show you half of what I’ve seen/been though/done. So how did I get to the point where I don’t fall after each failure? After each glimmer of happiness is shredded in front of me again, for the 19th year in a row? Acceptance. It’s not easy, it doesn’t happen over night and it’s damn painful but what it does do is it helps. Once you know and accept that your life is going to get worse and there’s not a whole lot you can really do about it you can put aside the silly goals. I use to want to be normal, happy, just be like everyone else and I worked hard in order to make it happen and when it didn’t happen I felt another part of me die, the pain was unbearable. Don’t get me wrong, some people do actually have hope and yes everyone who’s ever been abused need’s to accept that their past will always shadow them but in some cases they can move past that especially if it’s only the one incident of abuse. One incident isn’t easier to get over or anything like that but it does give you more hope, if once you where happy and more or less normal you can get back to that stage….but for me there is no hope of normality and no hope of hanging up my boxing gloves I will always be sad and I will always be fighting something. I’ve now accepted that for as long as I live things are gonna be shit house, so how has this acceptance helped me? Well here comes the truth to all the crap positive people sprout, it gets easier. When you expect the very worst of something it’s some how never quite as bad as you fear and once you realise that the moments when something does go well wont last very long you seem to feel them to a much fuller extent. I do believe one thing to the ultimately true, for every action there an equal and opposite reaction. The opposite of extreme sadness is extreme happiness and if you try to find those happy moments you’ll see that they felt so happy it seems wrong, unrealistic and cruel, I had one of those days just two days ago. There’s a realiation I came to recently, I was reading Emilie Autumn’s The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls(which is very enlightening even when you’re already familiar with depression), Emilie Autumn mentioned that when something like depression hangs around long enough it becomes part of you and you end up being unable to think of functioning without it. Now this is something that I thought about for a while, looking at the fact that I’ve been depressed since I was 8(the earliest memory I have) and the truth, the awful shameful truth is that she’s right, without the depression I wouldn’t know who I am. I stopped and thought about what I’d actually do if I was happy, normal and it occurred to me that I wouldn’t even know how to begin, what do normal people do? How do you act when your happy? I wouldn’t have a clue. Stopping to think even further about what I’d like, what I’d be interested in and again I draw a blank, I honestly can’t say what I’d like or who I would be. Everything I’ve ever done for ‘fun’ hasn’t ever been about having ‘fun’ it’s been about coping and keeping me alive just that much longer so if I suddenly didn’t need to cope with the crushing hell that is my mental state what exactly would I do? You’d think this would kill every last drop of fight I have in me but you couple this with the idea that my life will never get better, it goes from being an awful reality to another element of me. I fight and fight for something better, that’s all I’ve done and since I don’t need to worry about not having anything to fight I don’t need to worry. So what kind of goals does someone with no hope keep? I know that I don’t need to try to survive because the truth is, I can, I’ve survive three suicide attempts one of which I was sure I wasn’t gonna come back from(oh how happy I was at the time, and much less happy when I woke up in Emergency). My goals are to help those who suffer as I do, to raise awareness about the pain and destruction mental illnesses can cause, to make a difference in the lives of those who can’t speak for themselves(animals) and live my life according to my own ethics and morals. Once you accept that what you’ve been fighting for isn’t going to happen you can direct your energies into something else, something you find to be worthwhile. For some people that could just be getting the truth out, making a difference, proving why you’re better then others ect but the truth is that it really doesn’t matter because as long as you’re doing what you feel is right for you, that’s all you can be expected to do. My approach to happiness is all about accepting the shit and using the energy that was being spent on fighting that shit on something that’s important to you. If you’re always fighting, fight for something worthwhile, if you crave action use those insanely good days to find that action and if you’re stuck deep down in a hole while being unable to get up again stop looking for a rope, use that energy to dig down because someone else will be down there. You don’t have to be positive to be happy, you don’t need to tell yourself things that feel like a lie in order to be comfortable with who you are the only thing you need is that moment of acceptance, of realisation and then so many things become open to you. Turn your hell into your sanctuary or become the ruler, only drown in that black lake when you want to not when some faulty chemicals tell you. The one piece of ‘positive crap’ I’ll leave you with is that no matter what you’ve been though, no matter how many people would tell you different, you arestrong simply because you survived it. You’ve been to hell and you came back,it doesn’t matter how you came back, those self-harm scars are not a sign of weakness they’re a sign of doing what you had to in order to get back from that hell and that, that is what makes you strong.(I’ll write a post on why you’re strong later on).
I accept and understand that there are people out there who are the complete opposite of me but are still good people. These people do things differently to me, they look at relationships differently and they have different views to me…some times I wont understand these views or the way that they do things/how they see things. Which for me is okay, I don’t have a problem with things like this I’m not gay but do I think that gay people should be allowed to get married and have kids? Hell yeah! Where is this going? you might be asking, well there is one kind of person who is different to me that I really do have a problem with and that is people who use fear in order to get people to believe what they believe, feel what they feel and do things the way they do them. Recently I came up against someone who is using these fear tactics in order to fight a just cause: abuse withing the causal relationship community. Now with all the abuse I’ve suffered in my life I’m all for fighting abuse, but I wont fight abuse and those who cover up abuse by scaring everyone into avoiding something because it could lead to abuse. I’ve also seen the good that the casual relationship community can do for people, which this person left out of their argument to shut down/stay away from the community, and this is the exception to the rule of abuse. I’m not saying that the abuser gets something ‘good’ out of it so they’re okay, I’m saying that some people ethically and openly say to someone “I’m looking for something causal, do you want to participate?” and the other open person saying “Sure thing.” shouldn’t be scared away from casual relationships on the chance that they will be abused. Warn people that these kind of interaction can be very damaging, and warn them it can lead to abuse but don’t hide from them that there’s also times where it’s okay to do something casual. Ensure they’re going to be ethical and that they’re aware of what could happen but don’t scare them into not trying at all. I am the person who speaks up for the exception to the rule, not the person who speaks for the rule. This concept will come up a lot in my posts, but I want to make it very clear that just because I’m speaking for an exception doesn’t mean I agree with a rule or that I’m encouraging the exception. I’m giving everyone their right to be the person that they want to be, to be different from me and to be able to do that no matter what I believe about said rule or exception. I wont stand for behavior that limits this equality and right, and I will say something.